Friday, June 27, 2008
On Notice!
I've decided to make my own list of things that are "On Notice" or "Dead To Me", which is stolen borrowed from Stephen Colbert. Since I'm usually angered or annoyed by some entire group of people, persons or things, it seems only appropriate.
So here it is!
ON NOTICE:
Women Who Don't Know How to Drive SUVs
Fisher Price
Chris Jericho
Cameron Diaz
Cat Litter
The Drive To Ikea
Line Cutters
The Grocery Store
DEAD TO ME:
Spiders
Time Warner Cable
Rachael Ray
Gas Prices
Katie Couric
Back Pain
Family Guy
This list will be updated and reposted as more things annoy me or anger me enough to talk about them more than once.
That is all.
So here it is!
ON NOTICE:
Women Who Don't Know How to Drive SUVs
Fisher Price
Chris Jericho
Cameron Diaz
Cat Litter
The Drive To Ikea
Line Cutters
The Grocery Store
DEAD TO ME:
Spiders
Time Warner Cable
Rachael Ray
Gas Prices
Katie Couric
Back Pain
Family Guy
This list will be updated and reposted as more things annoy me or anger me enough to talk about them more than once.
That is all.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Flaming Letter of Hate... An Ode to Time Warner Cable
What's that? What's that? Is it The Great Pumpkin? NO, it's ME, Marlena, ON the internet at my freaking house!!!!
But Marlena, how can this be? I thought Time Warner hated you because your internet has been on and off for almost two months, and completely off for over a week!
Yes, that's right. If I believed in God, I would believe that he's been smiting me for the better part of two months. Some of you might say, but Marlena, it's just the internet, go read a book or take a walk. You don't NEED to check your email or look at the latest LOLCats.
But Marlena, how can this be? I thought Time Warner hated you because your internet has been on and off for almost two months, and completely off for over a week!
Yes, that's right. If I believed in God, I would believe that he's been smiting me for the better part of two months. Some of you might say, but Marlena, it's just the internet, go read a book or take a walk. You don't NEED to check your email or look at the latest LOLCats.
While this is true, I also work from home, connecting remotely to my computer at work so that I can stay home and raise my kid. The problem with no internet, is that I CAN'T do my job. So I've been like a roaming nomad from a bad South Park episode, looking for internet wherever I go, babe in tow.
I usually take the Noodle over to my mom's house to work when the internet is down, and the other day she had a dentist appointment so I was just going to go over there and hang out until she got done with her appointment. Well, I have a key to my mom's house, I even have a spare garage door opener to get in. What I DON'T have (or didn't have at the time) was the code to turn off her burglar alarm.
She forgot to not set the alarm when she left and when I got there it went off. And went off... and went off. The alarm company was calling her house and I didn't have her secret password either, so I was just sitting there waiting for the cops to come arrest me.
Meanwhile, I tried calling my mom at the dentist, but since she was having her teeth worked on, she had her phone off and she couldn't talk anyway for all the novocaine she was hopped up on. PLUS HER internet was down (at least her wackadoo modem needed to be reset) SO I couldn't look up the number to the dentist where she was, and I don't know where she keeps her phone books.
So after a Benny Hill type runaround calling Ben to get the dentist's number, calling the dentist and giving a message to the receptionist that I didn't want the police to arrest me because I couldn't turn off her alarm, I ended up having to go to Ben's parent's house with the baby to use THEIR internet.
Oh yeah, and I almost ran out of gas driving out there because Ben's parents live in the sticks and there isn't a gas station for MILES once you get to a certain point on the drive to their house. The other awesome part was that I decided to forgo makeup that day because I was only going to see my mom and Ben and figured they'd seen me enough times without it, that they wouldn't care. Well, let's run it down, I had to talk to two cops, Ben's parents and his grandmother, and Ben's parents have a home office too so they had a client come in that wanted to meet the baby. So my two people went to 8 people seeing me in my awesome no makeup-ness.
Sigh.
So thank you, Time Warner, for making me waste how many countless dollars in gas money driving all over creation with my baby in search of your holy grail of interwebs. Thank you for being the only game in town so I can't switch my service to anyone else. Thank you for being totally inept at taking care of your customers and being THE shittiest company I have EVER dealt with as far as utilities go. I used to work for the Satan that was the power company in Vegas and even THEY weren't as ridiculously lame as you.
I won't even bore you with my many, many service calls that were never done and how lame they are about communicating problems to each other. And today, there is a heinous thunderstorm going on and the internet is now A-OK!
'Tards.
I usually take the Noodle over to my mom's house to work when the internet is down, and the other day she had a dentist appointment so I was just going to go over there and hang out until she got done with her appointment. Well, I have a key to my mom's house, I even have a spare garage door opener to get in. What I DON'T have (or didn't have at the time) was the code to turn off her burglar alarm.
She forgot to not set the alarm when she left and when I got there it went off. And went off... and went off. The alarm company was calling her house and I didn't have her secret password either, so I was just sitting there waiting for the cops to come arrest me.
Meanwhile, I tried calling my mom at the dentist, but since she was having her teeth worked on, she had her phone off and she couldn't talk anyway for all the novocaine she was hopped up on. PLUS HER internet was down (at least her wackadoo modem needed to be reset) SO I couldn't look up the number to the dentist where she was, and I don't know where she keeps her phone books.
So after a Benny Hill type runaround calling Ben to get the dentist's number, calling the dentist and giving a message to the receptionist that I didn't want the police to arrest me because I couldn't turn off her alarm, I ended up having to go to Ben's parent's house with the baby to use THEIR internet.
Oh yeah, and I almost ran out of gas driving out there because Ben's parents live in the sticks and there isn't a gas station for MILES once you get to a certain point on the drive to their house. The other awesome part was that I decided to forgo makeup that day because I was only going to see my mom and Ben and figured they'd seen me enough times without it, that they wouldn't care. Well, let's run it down, I had to talk to two cops, Ben's parents and his grandmother, and Ben's parents have a home office too so they had a client come in that wanted to meet the baby. So my two people went to 8 people seeing me in my awesome no makeup-ness.
Sigh.
So thank you, Time Warner, for making me waste how many countless dollars in gas money driving all over creation with my baby in search of your holy grail of interwebs. Thank you for being the only game in town so I can't switch my service to anyone else. Thank you for being totally inept at taking care of your customers and being THE shittiest company I have EVER dealt with as far as utilities go. I used to work for the Satan that was the power company in Vegas and even THEY weren't as ridiculously lame as you.
I won't even bore you with my many, many service calls that were never done and how lame they are about communicating problems to each other. And today, there is a heinous thunderstorm going on and the internet is now A-OK!
'Tards.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Rays of Light As Seen Through a Glass Ceiling
As anyone who isn't living under a rock knows, Hillary Clinton delivered her concession speech on Saturday, giving the green light to Barack Obama for the Democratic candidacy for the next President of the United States.
Having a four month old, its kind of hard to follow any schedule that doesn't involve remembering the last time he ate or when he had his last diaper change. But on Saturday I made sure that I was in front of my TV to watch this woman, who has gone farther in the boy's club of Washington than any woman before her, bow out of this, the most historic bid for the Presidency of all time.
I'll admit it freely, I like Hillary Clinton. I think she would have been a GREAT President, even though some people are leary of her seasoned career in politics, thinking that even though she's a woman, that she's just as much a politician as the rest of them. That may be true, but I truly believe that she would have made a BIG difference in the climate of this country, for the better, had she gone on to be the Democratic candidate and, of course, beat the pants off of John McBush.
I also like Barack Obama. I was a bit apprehensive of him at first. I felt that he might have been a bit too green, and something in my gut thought that if he did win the Presidency that he'd be steamrolled into doing whatever everyone else wanted him to do and his promises of change would fall on deaf ears. But in the last few weeks my mind has totally been changed, and to me, it wouldn't have mattered which one out of Hillary or Obama won the nomination. I would have voted for either one and never looked back.
Of course, I'd vote for my cat for President before voting in John McCain, but that's not saying much.
But now I'm getting off track.
Hillary Clinton's concession speech literally brought me to tears. I have to agree with most of the talking heads that this was the greatest speech she's ever given. Every time she said that we MUST vote Barack Obama for President a chill ran down my spine. Her words sparked hope in me. Hope that has sadly been missing in my feelings for this country for the better part of 8 years. Hope that is very small, and very weak, because I can honestly say that if John McCain wins the Presidency it is hope that I'm not sure will ever be rekindled in my love for my country. I cannot even fathom another second of this regime after January 20th, 2009, let alone another 4 years of the exact same bullshit that's going on right now. I can say that I will truly be broken as an American.
But hearing Hillary speak so highly of the man who has been her fiercest competitor, made me cry, and my heart swelled and my mind felt wide open to the possibilities and wonder that I will see the first black President and most likely the first woman President in MY lifetime. Not even 50 years ago a black man couldn't sit at a lunch counter with a white woman, and that same white woman not even 90 years ago couldn't even vote or be counted as something other than property of her husband. I know that being a good President isn't about race or gender, the thing I'm most impressed with is the ability for our country to grow... to progress. For us, as a nation, to look past all the stuffy, old, white males that have dominated our government for so long, and to see that it's OK to change, well, that's a baby step that I am proud to be old enough to appreciate.
I look at my son and I see hope. Hope that one day, he will live in a world where his wife or daughter can be President. And thanks to Hillary Clinton, that day is even closer than I would have ever imagined.
So thank you, Hillary. Thank you for running for President. You didn't make it this time, but I agree with your speech that one day we will launch a woman into the White House.
Oh yeah, and Go Obama!
Friday, June 06, 2008
Ladytron and The Gary Busey Syndrome
So Ben and I went to see Ladytron last night at the Palladium Ballroom in Dallas. It's been almost two years since Ladytron was here, and that was their first time EVER playing in Texas. I think it's pretty cool that I've been to both of their Texas shows. And this time they didn't seem scared that we were all a bunch of shitkicking hillbillies. We have our share of club kids and house-music-heads.
The show was awesome. They were promoting their new album, Velocifero.
I know I'm getting older and that my show days are coming closer and closer to being over, but in all my years of going to concerts, there always seems to be one constant. Something that Ben and I lovingly refer to as: "The Gary Busey Syndrome".
The Gary Busey Syndrome is how there is always ONE guy at any show who seems completely out of place, is dressed like he's just stepped out of the 80's, and oh yeah, he's batshit crazy. He's usually got one or two women on his arm that look bought and paid for, and his dancing is worse than Elaine from Seinfeld. 98% of the time, the Busey is usually standing RIGHT next to us, drinking some alcoholic beverage and grinding on his special lady friend. It always makes me want to simultaneously vomit and elbow him in the nutsack.
At the They Might Be Giants show in March, thankfully we were in the balcony and the Busey was a few rows ahead of us, so we just got the view and none of the fireworks.
This time he was RIGHT next to us and didn't seem to mind my elbow poking into his sweaty, flabby ribs for the better part of an hour. Finally he moved over the two inches it took to give me back my personal space.
I have officially decided that I'm too old now to be right up in front of the stage at shows. Ben and I got up close when Ladytron opened, and by the fourth or fifth song I'd had enough and we had to move to the sidelines. Part of the reason for this move was the two club kids that took some X, then one complained he was hot, and his boyfriend, in his most domestic voice possible, told him that it was his sweater vest and to quit complaining. Once I had the Busey-X-tripping-grinding combo on either side of me, I knew my time in the front was limited. The last straw was the fact that I couldn't see a goddamn thing of the stage.
Now, I'm not short by any means. I'm about 5 feet 7 inches tall, so not a shorty, but I'm not all that crazy tall. Even so, I always seem to find myself behind a perfect storm of guys that are ALWAYS taller than me, blocking my view of any stage that I'm trying to get a solid view of.
I had such a good time and am really glad that we got to see Ladytron again. I hope they continue to come back here, and hopefully I can see them maybe one or two more times before I deem myself too old to attend shows anymore.
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